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This question is a long one, but Amber gets
into two basic issues that many people find troublesome: who to
tell about your surgery and how to tell them, as well as how much we
are changed by losing a tremendous amount of weight. It is worth
your time reading no matter where you are on your journey:
I would like to thank Amber for offering to
have her question posted in this e-newsletter so that all can
benefit from the answer. She asks that anyone who wants to offer
support to her, please feel free to email her. Amber’s question and
my answer follow.
Dear Barbara,
I have been obese for as long as I can remember. I actually think
that the only time my weight was “normal” was at birth. All photos
of when I was little show me as “oversized.” I remember the dreaded
days of lining up to be weighed in elementary school. At age 11, I
was well over 160 pounds, in junior high school I was over 200
pounds and after that I lost track. I am now 30 and weigh close to
300. I am rather short, 5’5” if I stretch!
One day, about a year or so ago, I saw a show
which featured some success stories of weight loss surgery
patients. This spurred me to do some research online. As fate
would have it I found your website! I stayed up all night following
all of the links and realizing that there could be help for me after
all! This could be the tool for me!
As soon as the business day began I called my
insurance company and found that weight loss surgery was covered as
long as the usual protocols were met. I began a flurry of research
on different procedures, risks, surgeons, etc. I then went to my
PCP and began the ball rolling.
During this time I discovered a friend was
going to have the surgery. She had little to no complications and
the weight began to fall off. She is not my best friend, but I do
know her rather well. At this point she is about a year and a half
post op and my best description of her weight is “tiny.”
She is 39 years old and has never looked her
age. She looks great. Since her weight loss there has also been a
drastic change in her behavior. She is very care-free and goes out
on the town several nights a week until around 4 am. She is married
with a 10 year old at home. There is obvious stress in her
marriage. It also seems that she has forgotten a lot of her old
friends. At social gatherings she tends to ignore them and when she
does talk to them, all she really talks about is how she wants a
“boob job” that will give her a body like Pamela Anderson’s.
I realize that her body has gone through some
drastic changes and it is only natural that her behavior should
accompany this. But, we live in a small town and there are many
people who speak very badly of her because they feel she has
changed, and she is not the only one. There is one other
acquaintance that has had the surgery and the local consensus is
that she has changed also. Change can be a good thing, but to the
local people, they feel the changes these two women have gone
through are bad, sometimes I think these feelings began by a jealous
person talking about them and other small minded people agreeing
with them.
Now I will tie my concerns to what I have
written above. I work at a small local business and my boss and his
wife are 2 of my dearest friends, who just so happen to be 2 of the
people who most feel that the 2 women mentioned above have changed
for the worse. In fact, my boss has said, “I wish people wouldn’t
lose all of this weight if their personality is going to change,”
along with other poignant statements that puts weight loss surgery
down.
Their feelings have caused me much anguish in
deciding how to tell them of my surgery. I still have some time
before I have to tell them, as I just received my surgery date which
is October 12th. I am very worried about their
preconceived feelings that I will change for the worse. Do you have
any advice on how or what I should tell them? It is not only them
that have expressed these feelings to me, it is others as well.
I really don’t know what to tell them. I feel
that my situation is very different, but I am afraid that they will
not support me with this very important aspect of my life. Do you
have any suggestions, and I would also welcome suggestions from
anyone who may be able to help.
I must add one other concern of mine along the
same lines. In the business I work in, I deal with the public
constantly and it is a very small town. What should I do when
people ask why I am not working for the length of recovery, how I am
losing weight, and all of the other questions the curious public
tends to ask.
Please help me with this, as it is weighing
heavily on my mind. Any help with these situations would be greatly
appreciated.
Thanks so much,
Amber
septembergirl73@netzero.com
Dear Amber,
I could say, don’t worry about small minded people and just go for
it, but I grew up in a very small town, population 1500, and I
understand what small town life is like. It can be a wonderful
environment because the town is really your extended family, but it
can also be troublesome because when you have so many “family
members” you find you can’t please everyone. So I can respect your
dilemma.
Let me begin by saying that we are all changed
by weight loss surgery whether we want to immediately admit it or
not. It’s like coming into money; it just makes you more of what
you already are. If you are cheap and you come into a lot of money,
you will just have more to hoard. If you are generous by nature,
you will have more to share. It just heightens your personality.
If the first woman is running around until 4:00
AM, that is what she has probably wanted to do but did not have the
courage to when heavier. The surgery has freed her to do what she
probably has never felt comfortable enough to do. She may have
regretted that she missed that wild period in her life. It is
selfish and unfortunate especially for her 10 year old whom I am
sure gets teased because of this. Hopefully it will grow old for her
and she will get back to her senses.
When you have the surgery, you will change
also. Just remember that it will make you more of what you are.
You sound like a sweetheart, so I would bet that all of your changes
will be positive. It may very well have the effect on you that it
had on me. Since my surgery, I like myself more. I have more self
esteem and I am admittedly proud of what I have accomplished. When
you like yourself better, you can love those around you so much
more.
It is not fair for your boss to complain about
people having weight loss surgery. He does because he sees only the
example of your town “floozy” (gosh I can’t believe I used that
word, but the alternative was less attractive). He does not
understand that this surgery is treatment for a disease. You may
just want to tell your boss that you are having surgery for a
disease and that the surgery was recommended by your PCP. Tell him
that if you do not have the surgery then chances are very great that
you will soon develop life threatening conditions. Tell him that
the disease you have is morbid obesity, your surgery is weight loss
surgery and that as your closest friends, you will dearly need
his and his wife’s support in the coming months.
As far as telling other people about your
surgery, absolutely do not lie. You live in a small town. You know
as well as I do that there are no secrets in a small town. And when
people soon find out the truth, they will talk about how you lied.
You can’t win that way.
Try to hold your head up high. You will be the
person who will change your town’s perception about weight loss
surgery because they will see how this surgery can help someone to
blossom. And that will be you. Be strong and be proud that you
have the courage to go through such a life affirming surgery. Then
they will all understand that it is not the surgery that causes such
a negative outcome in patients’ personalities. It is the person
themselves.
My best,
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