The Journey

I chose to go on a journey
The most important one in my life
It started out in a hospital
But was not with stress and strife

I began with much thought and soul searching
It was not so easy to do
I entered into it joyfully
With positive thoughts thru and thru.

It took me down long winding pathways
Places I've never been to before
But entered with great expectations
And I knew that I want to learn more.

My life had been full of trials,
Prejudices and grief
It was time to turn the tides of disapproval
And to swim towards the shores of relief.

This journey was not going to be easy,
No magic bullet that would make everything right.
It takes a great deal of planning,
Support and positive insight

Everything that I ever had lived with,
Would have to be changed overnight
The newness at times overwhelmed me
But I kept my eyes on the light

The days passed by ever slowly
And I wanted results right away
But anything worth having takes time
And Rome wasn't built in a day.

 didn't embark on this adventure
For anyone other than me
This trip was granted by heaven
The results are for all to see.

Some days brought joy and contentment
Some days were filled with fright
When ever I consumed the right item
It filled my soul with delight

So on and on I traveled
But no road weary person was I
I adored hearing the compliments
That lifted my soul ever high

Now whatever road my life seems to travel
Where ever I choose to be
I stand tall and slender
From this gift that was granted to me

Annettemc Kitrick

I live inside this outer shell, inside living a life of hell
Strangers words & ugly stares, makes me believe no one cares
In a world filled with pain & terror, what is reflected in my mirror?
Who is that? Where am I? Things are bad, I want to cry.
The answer is near, problem solved. Now watch me as I evolve.
From caterpillar to butterfly, now the world just dances by
No painful words or shameful tears, I've added to life better years.

Kellie Ricker

I Dreamed I Was Pretty

I dreamed I was pretty last night.
       My spirits soared high in flight.
Life was good and I enjoyed living.
       People were kind, receptive and giving.
Here as I sit in the broad light of day,
       I do so wish it were that way.
How I wish with all my might
       I were as pretty as I dreamed last night.

I dreamed last night I was pretty.
       I was laughing, flirting and giddy.
There seemed to be nothing I was afraid of.
       I felt secure, protected and loved.
Reality, however, is not as kind,
        and I'm aware it's just not my time.
But soon I will bloom and then you will see
       just how beautiful this woman can be.

Soon I will rise like a phoenix from the ashes
       and shed these pounds and my glasses.
I'll be elevated up on gossamer wings
       above the glares, insults and stings
where I'll come to rest in the place of my dreams,
Nevermore forced out on awakening.
And there I will cling with all my might
to remain as pretty as I dreamed last night.

I AM as pretty as I dreamed last night.
My spirits soar high in flight.
Life IS good and I enjoy living.
People ARE kind, receptive and giving.
Here as I sit in the broad light of day
I see that it always has been that way.
Now I'm sure with all that's right

that I AM as pretty as I dreamed last night.

Sheila Swan

Sandi Schraut Cedar

Untitled

Dormant she lay,
longing for a way
to make it her day
 and be on her way.

To drag herself out
of the turmoil and doubt,
 to her demons, she'd shout
"I want to come out!"

From this stifling shell:
self imposed Hell.
Though unwilling to tell,
Her emotions would swell.

One day, to lift her shame,
a stranger came:
Hands skilled, heart tame.
She knew only his name.

Delivering her gift,
in fashion swift.
When the canopy did lift...
'Twas I.

Tammy D'Ercole

Out of Hell: Reflections on Losing 150 Pounds"

So many nights, I whimpered and cried,
Thought that my prayers had all been denied.
Stuffing my feelings, ashamed of my plight,
Trying to stop, with all of my might.
Shoving in cold spaghetti, at three in the morning,
Frying shrimps by the time the daylight was dawning.
Drinking gallons of soda, my heart wildly beating,
Hating myself,  'cause I couldn't stop eating.
The monster in me would come out to play,
And as much as I begged him, he wouldn't go 'way.
Morning would come, and that is when,
The whole vicious cycle would start once again.
Tears would be streaming, I felt like a cow,
I wanted to stop, but I didn't know how.
Boarding a plane, and seeing the fear
In the eyes of the others..." Don't let her sit here!"
Walking a block, and feeling such pain,
That I went right back home to start eating again.
" Your face is so pretty! Start using your head!"
"Just eat smaller portions , " my family said.
" Put down the fork!  Push back from the table!"
That's what my friends said...But I wasn't able.
" Willpower's the secret! We'll help you get through it!"
" TRY HARDER, " they urged...But I couldn't do it.
I tried every diet to get back on track,
I'd lose weight and then just gain twice as much back!
Every morning I'd pray, " God let me be good..."
Then I'd fail once again...and no one understood.
Each new day would bring another attempt,
Each evening would bring still more self-contempt.
Filled with self-loathing, such awful remorse,
Simply unable to get back on course.
Overwhelmed with this state of awful depression,
Giving in to this dark, paralyzing obsession.
I thought to myself, " You'll always be fat..
Accept it,  move on!  Learn to live with that fact! "
Questioning God and wondering why,
Positive that I was destined to die.
Yet something inside me was whispering, "No..
There MUST be a way..It HAS to be so."
I felt a new Barbara was waiting inside me,
And it was her voice, I permitted to guide me.


I knew I could no longer go on this way,
Desperate and dying, bit by bit, day by day.
So I got on my knees, and prayed for relief,
Then God sent a miracle to lessen my grief.
A way to stop eating, so crazy I thought,
Went against everything I had been taught.
This was my last option, I felt like a jerk
If this didn't do it, then NOTHING would work!
So I trusted the doctors, wholly and blindly,
And my God smiled down, completely and kindly.
An unorthodox treatment, but working so well,
To help lift me OUT of this ongoing hell.
A surgical wonder, that acts as a tool
To battle the fat, which has made life so cruel.
So as scared as I was, I knew I'd get through it...
Since I was so much more afraid not to do it.
And it went very smoothly, and I'm convinced that
That pain was less than the pain of this fat.
Nothing could hurt more than being this size,
While seeing the pity in everyone's eyes.
That part of my life is over and done,
But I'll never forget the place I come from.
I'll always be grateful, I'll always be driven
To bestow upon others the support I've been given.
The obsession has lifted, I'm whole and I'm free,
God and my surgeon gave my life back to me.
I 've learned to eat slowly, I've learned how to chew
Enjoying my food, as normal folks do.
I eat when I'm hungry, I stop when I'm not,
Being fat, in this life, will not be my lot.
I eat not for sport, but just to survive,
My whole life is changing...I'm glad I'm alive!
I will reach the goal that I'm aiming toward,
I've truly been blessed...Thank You, Dear Lord.
The peace that I feel is calming and true,
And for those who still suffer...I wish it for you.

Barbara Rice

Monster

A monster lived inside of me
Insidious, dark beast
One who made me stuff food down
Not caring in the least,
How much I hurt, how bad I felt
He wanted me to die
I couldn't make him go away
No matter how I'd try.
I ate all day, I ate all night
The food consumed my life
Its complications broke my heart
And filled my soul with strife.
I begged my monster, "GO AWAY!
Please just let me be!"
But he heard not a single word-
He wanted ALL of me.
I'd moan while shoving cheesecake down
I'd shake while scarfing pie
I'd eat spaghetti through my tears,
Knowing I'd soon die.
I couldn't stop, I HAD to eat
I'd break each daily vow,
Of diets and of food control:
The monster owned me now.
Chinese food at 3:00 A.M.
Sandwiches all night
People judging, thinking that
I'd created my own plight.
Not getting that it wasn't I
Who made me eat this way
But a hideous, black monster
Consuming me each day.
Then one day my prayers were heard
This monster was cut out
And finally, I got to see
What freedom is about.
My angel-surgeon saved my life
His scalpel was a wand
He scooped the evil monster out
And finally broke the bond.
So now I'm living day to day
Without the awful fears
Of madness that my monster caused,
Without the pain and tears.
I've lost the weight, my monster's dead
My heart is finally free
And now I'm taking time I need
To finally nurture me.

 Barbara Rice

My Best Friend, Food

My best friend has been with me since the time I was a small child and had to sneak into the pantry late at night and steal to satisfy this deep hole inside my soul.

My best friend fills the deepest, darkest needs that my body has, that my soul craves - to be filled up with something - anything.  My best friend will never desert me or reject me.

My best friend stayed with me when my mother beat me and when my son died.  My best friend allowed me the freedom to lean on her more and more as I needed her and never once complained.

My best friend hid me deep within myself where nobody else could find me.  She protected me and guided me safely through life.

My best friend is always a quiet listener and never asks for anything in return.  My best friend always calls to me and wants to help me through all of my struggles, pains and fears.

My best friend loves to celebrate with me when something good happens in my life.  She is always standing ready anytime, day or night when I need her.  She is never petty or jealous. She never hates me because I may not need her that day, but is always standing ready when she is needed once again without anger or resentment.

I have needed my best friend less and less this past year, but sometimes the pain, anger, resentment and fear builds to such a height, I have to go running to her once again and lay my head against her bosom and ask her to take care of me once again.  She is always happy to oblige.

Somehow I have to tell her that I don't need her anymore. Not ever again.  That somehow I have to find a new life without her, that she can only be there for me as something to help me live, not something to live for.  I'm afraid of being without her, but I know it's the best for me.

I think she will understand, but the fear is that she will never really go away. That she will stay there, always lurking in the shadows, waiting for my weaknesses to bring me back to her once again.  The even bigger fear is that she will really go away forever.  For now I put her away...and build the hope that the next time I need her, she will be less and less an obstacle to life - so I can live.
Debbi K.

© DCK 10/10/99

Copyright © 2000-2008 Barbara Thompson All Rights Reserved